Journals141
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Family Issues
1 min read
ISTG that dealing with my family is like having children who do not grow up. I truly want to scream and close all doors and windows. Many would have long ago. I think they're the children - my mom was also one - who G_d intended me to have - not biological kids of my womb.
I've been a caregiver since I was a child. No, it's not right. And it worsens as they have health issues, financial issues, and age.
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Narcissism 101 (Rephrased)
2 min read
Someone posted this on Facebook about two years ago and it's absolutely true. (I rephrased it to reflect my experiences.)
Narcissism 101:
Did the narcissist ever trust and love me? Does he or she trust and love his or her children?
Answer: No. A person who lacks compassion and empathy is not capable of trusting, loving, or making love or friends. They use "trust" and "love" as their camouflage because they want all the benefits of a relationship, friendship, marriage, or children without ANY of the work.
Why? Because this serves them and helps feed their illusion of normalcy they can provide to the world. They have toxic fear of shame of being exposed for the weak, spineless, powerless individuals they really are and use friendship, trust, love, and marriage to provide a false illusion of lies they WANT the world to see so they seek, hunt for, and target LONG LASTING narcissistic supply and so who do they target?
You got it. The kindest, most compassionate, generous, best looking, trusting, loving, sweetest, and friendliest people on the face of the Earth. And who are these people?
None other then EMPATHS. Vulnerable empaths who carry pain addictions from abusive childhoods. Narcissists also suffer from pathological envy. So they target you because they need what you can provide them, deplete you, AND are pathologically envious of you at the same time. So they target wounded empaths, the "best of the best" because we're resilient and can tolerate their invalidation longer and can supply them what THEY need longer than the average person. As totally sick and depraved as this sounds, it's nevertheless the truth.
Our empathetic vulnerabilities and childhood wounds including our pain addictions, overabundance of compassion, and inability to see the bad in others made us attractive to them and unknowingly complicit in our own abuse. They seek, hunt for, and target us. They found us. WE did not find them. It's a predator and prey/parasite and host relationship. It's not trust, it's not friendship, and it's not love. It's narcissistic abuse.
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Taal Volcano Eruption 2020
1 min read
The Taal Volcano was somewhat quiet the last time I went hiking there with my aunt, my cousin, my cousin's supervisor, and my last stay-in helper (the narcissist). This year my family, our current helper, and I experienced ashfall in Dasma, Cavite last Sunday.
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2019
5 min read
Due to the recent events, what I'm about to write is going to be disheartening even for me.
My closest family, which isn't close, consists of my two half-brothers, my adopted sister, my aunt, my three cousins, my cousin-in law, my nephew, my niece, my uncle, and my uncle's partner (my other aunt).
Year 2019:
Due to the merger, my aunt was redundated. I was her go-to girl when help was needed.
My last stay-in helper (the abusive one) has been a bitch all year - she used the dining spoon instead of the proper equipment for frying food, talked back to me when I reminded her of what she did wrong, and falsely accused me of hitting my dog with the water (which I DID NOT) when I was watering the backyard and gaslighted me. She also tried to manipulate me into going to Batangas with her and she emotionally and verbally abused me again by making false accusations against me, put words in my mouth, and twisted everything I said and did (like what [redacted] did on March 22-23, 2015). She also made me call up my aunt even though it was charging and threw tantrums until I (unwillingly) make a phone call. And what did my aunt reply with when I told her about the "headache?" "So?"
The abuse continued when I was boiling water for my instant noodles and my last stay-in helper ordered me to use tap water instead drinking water even though I know drinking water is safe and tap water is used for washing dishes and clothes. She left my life two weeks and six days later.
Ten days after my last stay-in helper discarded me and my family, my cellphone charged too slowly. My aunt, my cousin, and I had to bring it to the repair shop.
My family life started going back on track but it turned into an emotional nightmare when my aunt scolded me in a hateful manner after she made me bring my niece outside and my niece wanted to go to the nipa hut.
I found out that my first bank account was dormant because my uncle kept withdrawing from it and no one deposited it. I also learned that he was hospitalized with the gallstones.
I have received little to no thanks from my family for killing myself this year alone to help them in so many ways.
I had allergic rhinitis and a cough sometime before my office Christmas party.
I was invited by one of the pet care companies to MeowCon 2019 at Robinson's Magnolia in Quezon City and I wasn't allowed to go.
I have feared losing my other bank account because of savings lost and emergencies with my family.
I shared a post about my cat playing "bitey kneady" on his Facebook page and that post and my personal account were silenced for being "against community standards" for a month.
I have struggled with a headache, fatigue, allergic rhinitis, physical pain, and emotional stress all year to the point of it having taken a toll on my health in many ways.
I haven't gone to the gym in about a year. It will be two years this March since I did so to feel more healthy and accomplishing goals.
I haven't attended the Anime and Cosplay Expo.
I haven't brought my cat along with me to the Sunday Park Day and the Good Food Sundays in a year.
My mobile postpaid hasn't been reactivated in years.
I haven't touched my laptop in years.
I haven't gone to church in years except for the Holy Week. I used to attend Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation.
I've dropped my pets off at the online events on Facebook. I have no time or emotional strength to do anything more.
It's been three days after New Year's Eve and I'm sitting at my office computer. Even if I live under the same roof as my aunt I am alone for seven months and a day now - no helper, no interest from any person in me even as a friend because I am never enough. I am seen as a broken down, drama heavy, unsightly burden.
I could not move to any other country with people who are hugging loved ones. It would murder what's left of me because I cannot fake happiness anymore.
I don't know what the answers are. I have grown numb and sicker. I know how I feel will lead to an increased risk of cancer due to a family history - I have lost my grandmother, my grandfather, and my mom to this disease. It is a vicious cycle that makes me seriously depressed and wanting to hide from all humanity.
I've grown tired of sharing my thoughts, opinions, ideas, pain, and trials. People don't want to read or listen. I'm a sad sack who just deserves to be "unfriended," "blocked," and get lost.
I cry to God and pray and He keeps me in the dark without any positive change. Positive things never last for me. I cry for appreciation as a person, not just a shoulder to cry on and as a go-to girl for help. No one looks at me as if they stare at the stars in awe.
Everything this year has been a battle and broken me. I heart cannot handle any more.
While others were hanging out with their friends, helpers, and family or living their "own lives," I have crawled into bed last night with my cat who will turn four years old this April or May and cried myself to sleep as 2020 crawls around me.
I know all of this has to stop. I can't keep living like this.
My closest family, which isn't close, consists of my two half-brothers, my adopted sister, my aunt, my three cousins, my cousin-in law, my nephew, my niece, my uncle, and my uncle's partner (my other aunt).
Year 2019:
Due to the merger, my aunt was redundated. I was her go-to girl when help was needed.
My last stay-in helper (the abusive one) has been a bitch all year - she used the dining spoon instead of the proper equipment for frying food, talked back to me when I reminded her of what she did wrong, and falsely accused me of hitting my dog with the water (which I DID NOT) when I was watering the backyard and gaslighted me. She also tried to manipulate me into going to Batangas with her and she emotionally and verbally abused me again by making false accusations against me, put words in my mouth, and twisted everything I said and did (like what [redacted] did on March 22-23, 2015). She also made me call up my aunt even though it was charging and threw tantrums until I (unwillingly) make a phone call. And what did my aunt reply with when I told her about the "headache?" "So?"
The abuse continued when I was boiling water for my instant noodles and my last stay-in helper ordered me to use tap water instead drinking water even though I know drinking water is safe and tap water is used for washing dishes and clothes. She left my life two weeks and six days later.
Ten days after my last stay-in helper discarded me and my family, my cellphone charged too slowly. My aunt, my cousin, and I had to bring it to the repair shop.
My family life started going back on track but it turned into an emotional nightmare when my aunt scolded me in a hateful manner after she made me bring my niece outside and my niece wanted to go to the nipa hut.
I found out that my first bank account was dormant because my uncle kept withdrawing from it and no one deposited it. I also learned that he was hospitalized with the gallstones.
I have received little to no thanks from my family for killing myself this year alone to help them in so many ways.
I had allergic rhinitis and a cough sometime before my office Christmas party.
I was invited by one of the pet care companies to MeowCon 2019 at Robinson's Magnolia in Quezon City and I wasn't allowed to go.
I have feared losing my other bank account because of savings lost and emergencies with my family.
I shared a post about my cat playing "bitey kneady" on his Facebook page and that post and my personal account were silenced for being "against community standards" for a month.
I have struggled with a headache, fatigue, allergic rhinitis, physical pain, and emotional stress all year to the point of it having taken a toll on my health in many ways.
I haven't gone to the gym in about a year. It will be two years this March since I did so to feel more healthy and accomplishing goals.
I haven't attended the Anime and Cosplay Expo.
I haven't brought my cat along with me to the Sunday Park Day and the Good Food Sundays in a year.
My mobile postpaid hasn't been reactivated in years.
I haven't touched my laptop in years.
I haven't gone to church in years except for the Holy Week. I used to attend Mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation.
I've dropped my pets off at the online events on Facebook. I have no time or emotional strength to do anything more.
It's been three days after New Year's Eve and I'm sitting at my office computer. Even if I live under the same roof as my aunt I am alone for seven months and a day now - no helper, no interest from any person in me even as a friend because I am never enough. I am seen as a broken down, drama heavy, unsightly burden.
I could not move to any other country with people who are hugging loved ones. It would murder what's left of me because I cannot fake happiness anymore.
I don't know what the answers are. I have grown numb and sicker. I know how I feel will lead to an increased risk of cancer due to a family history - I have lost my grandmother, my grandfather, and my mom to this disease. It is a vicious cycle that makes me seriously depressed and wanting to hide from all humanity.
I've grown tired of sharing my thoughts, opinions, ideas, pain, and trials. People don't want to read or listen. I'm a sad sack who just deserves to be "unfriended," "blocked," and get lost.
I cry to God and pray and He keeps me in the dark without any positive change. Positive things never last for me. I cry for appreciation as a person, not just a shoulder to cry on and as a go-to girl for help. No one looks at me as if they stare at the stars in awe.
Everything this year has been a battle and broken me. I heart cannot handle any more.
While others were hanging out with their friends, helpers, and family or living their "own lives," I have crawled into bed last night with my cat who will turn four years old this April or May and cried myself to sleep as 2020 crawls around me.
I know all of this has to stop. I can't keep living like this.
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Social Media
1 min read
Taken from my Instagram post:
Might be using my cat's Facebook account since my personal account is in FB jail. As of now, Twitter, IG (my pet account and my personal account), DeviantArt, YouTube, BGL forums, and Tumblr are the only safe places now. If you want to send my backup FB account friend request, you are welcome to do so. Thank you.
Here's the backup I referred to in this journal:
Might be using my cat's Facebook account since my personal account is in FB jail. As of now, Twitter, IG (my pet account and my personal account), DeviantArt, YouTube, BGL forums, and Tumblr are the only safe places now. If you want to send my backup FB account friend request, you are welcome to do so. Thank you.
Here's the backup I referred to in this journal:
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